Sometimes, truth is more brutal than honest

Do you really want to tell your wife she looks fat in those jeans? Will telling her that make either of you feel better? Do you need to tell her you slept with her best friend, even when it was before you got engaged, much less married?

Will brutal honesty in these areas be honest or just plain cruel? Finally, will they improve your relationship?

We lie to each other all the time, often without even knowing we are doing it. We don't think of it as a matter of truth or lies. It's more about being kind, especially when the truth is going to (a) cause a fight, (b) deeply hurt someone's feelings, or (c) insult someone to no useful purpose.

We lie to our kids all the time. Some of them are huge, life-changing lies like: "You can do anything you set your mind to." This is one of the worse lies we tell and it can really mess with you children's heads.

Because you can't do anything you want to do just because you want it enough. If you don't have the talent with the education to back it up, you won't get in the door to explain how good you are or could be. You need tenacity to do well in life, but that's just one piece. In this case, you either give them the whole truth, or just shut up about it.

I'm in favor of telling the truth when not telling the truth will cause harm to anyone, will destroy a good relationship, or simply make someone unhappy when they don't need to be. I am also strongly in favor of honest conversations so that people don't waste years believing something they partially heard while eavesdropping. And -- I strongly, passionately believe in NEVER EAVESDROPPING.

Whenever I watch a movie where someone has cheated, and the cheater feels a compelling need to confess, I always wonder "why"? If his/her spouse never heard about the cheating, they would be fine. If the only reason you are confessing is to make yourself feel better, when it isn't going to improve your relationship or make anyone feel better -- don't do it.

Confess to your priest or pastor. Go talk to a shrink. Confess to a stranger on the crosstown bus. Don't tell your best friend or close family member because before you finish telling them to please not tell anyone, they have already posted it somewhere.

Leave your spouse or partner in peace. They didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve to be punished. If you have the kind of spouse who is going to eviscerate you for failing to "tell the truth," they need to have a brain adjustment too.